A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
THE LAME PLAN
THE CRAZY PLAN
THE BOOTY PLAN
THE HOOK-UP PLAN
[upbeat music]
[typing]
[message sent chime]
[giggling]
Reply, come on...
Hey, guys?
Should I text him again?
[Charlotte] No!
[whispers] She's waiting to hear from the whore. What do we do now?
[whispers] I have no idea. As you know, I'm not a relationship expert.
Ah! Maybe Jules would agree to send one more text for free.
Uh, something kind but direct, like, "Sorry, it's not going to work."
You want to kill her?
[sighs] I don't get it. My plan was so ingeniously brilliant.
No, it was a shitty plan. You think sex can fix everything.
Like you know. You haven't done it since you got knocked up.
You couldn't be more wrong, it's the opposite.
Antoine and I are having so much sex.
[Elsa] Could you guys wait for me?
I'm having a real anxiety heart attack.
The guy is totally ghosting me. I'm so pathetic.
He should be the one waiting in front of his phone.
- It's not your fault! - Of course it is!
Actually, I'm the problem. The guy just pitied me.
I'm not even mad at him, at least he was polite.
[Elsa] Oh, come on, answer!
[jazzy electronic music]
[bell chimes]
- [Jules] Morning. - Morning.
- How can I help you, sir? - Leave it to me, I'll handle him.
- Yes, sir? - [music fades]
You have a Poitou cheese log?
Ah...
I'm sorry, we're completely sold out.
But from the same region...
I may have a...a delicious Chabichou...
um, right there in...in the little van.
Uh, I'll be right back! Let me show you the way. This way.
[jazzy electronic music resumes]
Come in!
[van squeaking]
[Elsa] Everybody has such a cool life.
And mine sucks so bad.
- Wait, are you on Instagram? - [Elsa] Yeah.
Great, way to go! Keep going. Best idea when you're depressed.
Why don't you check out Gisele Bündchen's account?
[gasps] The aquarium?
Max and the bitch just went to the aquarium?
Can you stop being a stalker?
Fuck him, I'm the one who loves sharks! They are so, so sexy.
I'm sure they were so turned on they wanted to make love.
They probably had sex in the dolphin tank and I bet it was so amazing...
Wait, wait, wait. Stop! Stop it, stop.
Remember imitating his cum face? It was gross.
Right. [sucks in air]
[Charlotte sucks in air]
Come on, that's enough, OK?
[Charlotte chuckles]
- [water splashing] - [Charlotte] I got it to skip!
[Elsa] Oh, my God...
[scoffs] "Little bird."
[scoffs] "Passionately curious." So freaking lame. Such a cheap-ass woman.
"Passionately curious" means "I'd blow anyone."
- [Milou] Yeah. - [Charlotte] Seriously.
[geese honk]
[plopping] [Charlotte] I made it skip three times!
[Milou] Yeah, you did.
That prick.
[Milou] What?
[Charlotte] What's wrong?
They're getting married.
- [Elsa] Max and Gaïa. - [both] What?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
She was supposed to be a one-night stand, not his future wife.
- [Charlotte] Whoa, stop it, Elsa! - [Milou] Hey, babe, babe. Hey!
He will also cheat on her many times, for sure. Men never change, babe.
That's right and did you see how ugly her ring is?
Are you serious? It looks fake. I'm sure he bought it at a flea market.
How do you...
[gasps]
When did you find out about this?
- Not long, uh, maybe last week. - Less.
- Maybe last month. - No, less than that! Less!
Yeah, way less than that, more or less than that.
[Charlotte] Elsa, wait!
- Elsa, we're sorry. - [Elsa gasps]
How pathetic am I for you guys to do that to me?
- Wait, it's not just us, everybody knows. - What?
Matt's a groomsman, he could have told you too.
You know what? You can all go fu...
- Ouch! - [Charlotte gasps] Fuck, Elsa!
[Charlotte] Hey, are you OK? Elsa?
Go away! Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!
[sniffs and sighs]
Do you hate us?
- Mm. Yes. - Come on, get up, sweetie.
Anyway, my life's fucked up.
Why am I working on my butt?
Call back the whore now.
I mean, seriously, only psychopaths write that shit.
Oh, chill out!
[gentle classical music]
What the fuck? It's the most expensive one, of course.
Nightmare.
Yeah, right. This morning, I had to take Gaïa and her nephew to the aquarium.
- Aw... - [Max] No, no, no.
He spent the whole time trying to punch my balls.
He ended up throwing up on my shirt. Look, I got one from the gift shop.
- Ah...[laughs] - Yeah, not funny, it cost me 26 bucks.
I'm sure he did it on purpose [scoffs].
- It's a nightmare to have kids. - You're going to make a great godfather!
So, when are we seeing their lawyers?
I don't care about the weekend, we can't waste time.
OK.
- [bell chimes] - Yeah, tell them that.
OK, that works. Yeah.
Let me know. OK, Philippe, thanks a lot.
- What's up? Something wrong? - Just some shit going on at work.
[phone chimes]
- Holy shit. - [Max] What?
Elsa knows about your wedding.
Well, bud, that's great. Now she knows.
- How did she take it? - [Antoine] I don't know.
[sighs] Poor girl, I mean...
Hey, it's all good.
I think she's dating a new guy anyway.
- That's cool. - [toy squeaks]
[romantic music]
[Charlotte exhales sharply and regularly]
Isn't that funny?
I can't believe he sends me a text message right when I'm ready to give up on life.
"And what about tonight?"
[Charlotte] See, he was just working on what to reply.
I'm sorry, guys, I'm such a pain.
- Right, fine, can we go now? - You don't want to come up?
- Is it serious with her new guy? - I have no idea.
[beep]
Maybe she'll stop stalking me or sending me pics of her boobs at 5 a.m.
- I'm sure Gaïa will be relieved. - [Antoine] That's good news, right?
Of course.
No! No, no, no. No. Wait, the stroller's on us.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
- You really don't have to. - Of course we do.
Godfathers' gift. Tradition.
- A thousand bucks? - [Max] Yeah.
Come on, bust out your Platinum.
[beep]
Oh, fuck! I left it at the hotel. Can I pay you back?
[beep]
Well, yeah.
- [Matthieu] Sorry, man. - [Antoine] Very cool, guys. Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome. Least we could do. - Yeah, of course.
How far is your hotel? Like, we can go there now...
- I'll pay you back, chill out! - I'm totally chill. I'm chill.
Every time I see the spark in their eyes, it's really...It touches me, it's moving.
So much cheese! It must have cost you a fortune.
No, Momma, no, it's a gift from a client.
I mean she runs a cheese shop, I'm her accountant.
You must do a terrific accounting job for her.
I told Angèle that you are working as a freelancer.
- She found that very impressive. - Hm. Well, thank you, Momma.
- Not working too hard, I hope? - [Roman] I keep telling him.
Nights, weekends, he never stops. He's always working hard, like...a beast.
Oh, my baby. Your dad would be so proud to see you dressed in this nice suit.
It's a very, very nice fabric. This is not cheap.
I'm glad that you like it.
So, Anita, what about some Chabichou?
Hm, no, I'd rather have the log from the Poitou.
[Anita] It's been a while.
You want some, honey?
Um...No.
[birds chirping]
[Milou] Oh, my gosh, you guys are nuts! Thank you for the stroller.
[Max] That's what godfathers are for. And Matthieu is loaded!
- Stop it. - [Antoine] Actually, he's right.
What's a grand for you? One hour of work at most?
[Antoine] Seriously, thank you.
Yeah. It's good you don't see making money as a Judeo-Christian embarrassment.
[Milou] Oh, give me the list.
So, this is...What the hell is that?
Right there. It's a breast pump.
A manual breast pump. It won't damage your breasts.
It wasn't on the list.
- [Antoine] It's for after you give birth. - Who said I was going to breastfeed?
I'm not a cow, for fuck's sake. I look like a cow to you?
- [she scoffs] - [both] No.
[chuckles] All right, then!
- [Antoine] Is everything OK? - [Milou] No, it's not OK!
You expect us to eat the placenta as well? We're not in LA.
Let's all have some placenta! You're all invited.
[Milou] Enjoy! Welcome to the party.
- Let's all have a placenta dinner! - We're going to take off.
Why can't you stick to the fucking list I typed on Excel?
- We're leaving anyway. - Thank you, guys.
- [Max] Ciao! - Thank you for the stroller. It's perfect.
[Max] Hang in there.
How can she switch from Barack Obama to Donald Trump so quickly, seriously?
[Matthieu] Physically?
No, I mean in terms of personality.
She's carrying a pumpkin in her belly, I would also have a bad temper.
- Banana! - Stop it, Max!
What? You know you love it.
- But not in elevators. - [both laugh]
[Max] Liar!
♪ Tonight, at the station bar Igor is down, feeling blue ♪
♪ Always having a brew ♪
♪ As his Katie, his pretty Katie ♪
♪ She just chucked him out His Katie chucked him out ♪
♪ And he's drawn a blank ♪
♪ This old grand duke with his schemes...♪
They love it when I sing Boby Lapointe's song.
- I know. - [music continues]
Here. Momma, for the bills.
Thank you!
That's so kind of you, thank you.
Here, don't forget the pica pau, it's your dad's recipe.
Great, and we'll eat it all, promise.
Well, if you have any leftovers, you can invite some friends over.
- Or a girlfriend. - Nice try, detective.
Because, the way things are going, will I ever have grandchildren?
- I'll give you loads, Anita. - [chuckles]
- You have a new girlfriend now? - Every day, yeah.
And what about him?
- He should have a girlfriend! - All right, Momma, it's OK.
- Let's go - Bye, my babies.
And thanks, Anita, for the...the thing.
- See you soon? Bye-bye, Anita! - [Anita] See you soon.
Bye, Momma.
[music continues]
You fucking liar! There is no 5-mm screw in this box!
[silence]
Goddammit! The psycho who made this, I bet he's strangling kittens in Sweden.
- This is impossible! - Talking to me?
No.
I mean, not especially, hm.
Not sure if we're back to talking, that's why.
Carpet or wooden floor for the room upstairs?
First, maybe you should let Charlotte know that you want to get her room back.
Oh, really? And why me? She's your sister.
But it's your best friend and it's your parents' apartment.
And I think we have enough space.
Especially since we'll be co-sleeping in the beginning.
- We'll be co-what? - [Antoine] We'll be co-sleeping.
Sleeping with the baby.
Ah, no.
They make noise, they shit theirs pants. No way. I want him to have his room.
Mm-hm. OK.
Where are you going?
Going to work.
May I or is it too degrading for you?
Right.
Well...
[giggling]
You can't be a fan of Real Madrid. Dammit, we're in France!
- Liberté, égalité, PSG. - [Elsa] But they have way better skills!
No, the most skilled are the Red Stars. Their level is way higher.
I cannot wear this.
I'm going to look like his mom.
Uh, so, wear contacts, not glasses. And looking like his mom may turn him on.
Isn't there a book about a Greek weirdo who wanted to fuck his mom?
Yeah, Oedipus. But he didn't know. He found out later she was his mom.
So, then, he poked out his own eyes. Lesson: careful who you pick to fuck.
But that was a long time ago. Don't worry, you're good, I checked.
- Jules isn't your mom. - Hm.
Ah, here, try this on.
- This? - Yeah.
[approaching footsteps]
Can I help you?
[Charlotte] Uh...
No, we're fine.
[gentle acoustic guitar]
[Charlotte sighs]
I just saw that.
And you see your piece of crap?
It was probably worn by someone ugly or dead now.
You should thank me for trying it on.
And now the price is right.
- [woman sighs] - [Charlotte scoffs]
And look at what your dress does to my BFF!
[Elsa giggles]
We're out of here. Come on, let's rent you an outfit.
- Come to my place. It sucks in here. - Rent me an outfit?
You bet, babe, times are hard. All right, ciao!
- Hey! - [bell chimes]
[Elsa laughs] I'm sorry, I'm...
I'm going to pay for the dress and I'll get her top as well.
I'll go and grab my stuff.
- I'll be... - Yes, as you should.
["Canopée" by Polo & Pan]
CORPORATE LAWYERS
[cackles]
Come with me!
[Charlotte continues to laugh]
- Can I sit with you? - Yeah.
- Are you doing OK? - Yeah.
I'm glad my shift is over.
Hey, saw that!
- How's it going? - Let me show you.
Well, then, to hormones!
- [Charlotte] One...two... - [Elsa screams]
- Wait, there's still a bit left. Sorry! - Bitch!
- [Charlotte] Almost done. - [Elsa] Stop!
[Elsa] What's crazy about the clownfish, you know, it's that, when they're born,
they are all born with junk.
- Not junk like in trash, junk. - Hm.
But junk, like with, um...
little willies.
And so, the entire family full of little boys, you know...
Actually, you know what's really amazing is that, here,
we have all these fishes that you see,
all these different species that live together in...in one microcosm and...
um, in order to...
I freaked you out with my clownfish obsession.
Huh?
I mean, you're super quiet, you're not talking, are you OK?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
It's my dress.
It's too much.
No, not at all, you're gorgeous.
The other girls should dress better.
Look at them, they're perfectly fine with the way they look.
- [Elsa] They are so sexy. - [Jules] You're so sexy.
And I'd love to see you without your dress.
How about we take photos with the jellyfish?
- Yeah. - Come on, let's take photos with them.
- Come. - OK.
I show you that jellyfish are incredible because...
they have a system...
- No, wait, excuse me. Like this. - Yeah?
- I might carry some venom. - [Elsa laughs]
- Silly. - With my hand like this?
- Yeah. A little closer? - All right.
- You smile? - OK.
- It's a good one. Smile? - Here we go. Yeah, you like it?
[camera shutter]
Huh! Yeah, it's a good one, yeah.
- Cool. - Yeah.
That would be great if we also had some sort of power, like the jellyfish.
We could give electric shocks to annoying people.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- My parents met exactly like that. - Really?
On an empty beach. South of Portugal.
My mum got stung by a jellyfish and so my dad...
And your dad peed on her?
No. He scraped off the tentacles with a shell he found.
- OK. That's...That's romantic. - Yeah.
Well, my dad met my mum thanks to her eczema.
- For real? - It's not as romantic as...
- What matters is that they met. - Yeah?
And you came to be.
And so...
[ethereal intro]
[Elsa moans softly]
[fast-paced electric guitar]
[moans] Sorry.
I really want you now.
- All right. - I really, really want you now.
Yeah, so do I.
- Let's go? - Yeah.
["L'Amour fou" by Grand Blanc]
[heavy breathing]
[music fades into football commentary]
You're drinking more than usual. Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. What's up?
Why is everybody asking me that? Maybe I should have stayed in London.
Why did I do it?
God, Milou, calm down, you made a good decision. Come on!
- A good decision? - Yes.
I paid him and told him to fuck and dump her. That's horrible.
We'll get out of this before it blows up on us.
Could you please stop saying "we"?
[football commentary continues]
[intense] Sometimes, fate turns out to be cruel.
I almost wish you and I had never met. Or at least not right now.
I'm relocating.
Far. Far away. Too far.
I can't refuse it.
- I'm going to Mulhouse. - Uh...
What?
That's his script.
[Charlotte giggles]
- Aaah! - In fact, it's my script.
Shakespeare.
Yeah, not bad, calm down. OK, I see.
- Know what I mean? - Yeah.
- You see? - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah...Yes!
[both] Oh!
[commentator gets excited]
[all scream and cheer]
Yes!
[football commentary continues]
[Charlotte laughs]
- I like this suggestion. - Honestly.
- But it's not even a suggestion. - I mean, yeah, I get it.
[Charlotte] And he changed his mind.
You guys notice Matthieu is acting bizarre lately?
Yeah, he took off early. He's really on edge, too.
No, not at all!
No, no way! He's just enjoying his hotel, that's all.
- Oh, yeah? - Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- All right, good night! - Good night.
- See you tomorrow! - See you tomorrow.
Stop it!
[whispers] Where are they?
[jangling]
What are you doing here?
- Shush! - Oh, yeah, shush!
Shush!
- Shush... - [Charlotte laughs]
- Shush... - Shush!
Hey, shush! I'm shushing!
[Charlotte] Be quiet!
[door closes]
[sighs] I'm going to start charging you per night.
Your work won't pay your hotel?
Seriously, isn't your life in London?
I mean, a job?
Some British snobby friends? A babe? Some babes?
Can I sleep here or not?
Of course.
But let's get this straight. A few days, no more.
- Don't start growing roots. - OK.
OK?
[Charlotte giggles]
It's a nice view.
Are you OK?
[Elsa] This isn't my apartment.
Yes, I lied.
I'm back here since my breakup but...
It was my room as a kid
but, now, it's the waiting room of my dad's practice.
It was supposed to be temporary but I haven't moved out.
And at work, I mean, I feel like I'm totally useless.
I work for the city but from a basement and my office is smaller than this bed.
And...I snore.
I snore a lot, especially when I drink red wine,
and I follow Titi the Turtle on Instagram, and Celine Dion is my goddess,
and I'm very allergic to shrimp, really, it gives me a bad rash on my butt.
So, it's really embarrassing to tell you that but I just don't want...
I...
anymore lies between us.
I would hate that.
[Elsa inhales deeply] And when I was a kid...
I would stand right here...
and pretend I was flying away in my spaceship like this
over the streets of Paris.
- Are you mad at me? - [Jules] No.
Of course not.
Everybody lies.
I have also kept something from you.
What?
Sometimes...
fate turns out to be cruel.
[sighs] Shit...
Listen.
- I've got to leave. - What?
I've been offered a job in Mulhouse.
Oh, wow, just, uh...
just the East, that's far.
Far.
Thanks, Department of Education, huh.
It's best to leave things here.
For both of us.
I'm sorry.
Um, yeah...[clears her throat]
Um...
I get it, we...
We barely know each other, I think.
It was super.
Really.
I want you to know that.
[ethereal intro]
[footsteps retreat]
[fast-paced electric guitar]
[drums kick in]
["L'Amour fou" by Grand Blanc]
[music turns into theme tune]